Last month, my two daughters and I watched the movie “I still believe.” It is the story about Jeremy Camp’s journey regarding the beginning of his Christian music career and of his relationship with his first wife Melissa. Originally, we were planning on watching this movie in the movie theatre; however, due to life in the pandemic, the girls and I watched the movie from home. The girls and I have known and loved different songs of Jeremy’s through the years. I knew that his young wife Melissa had died, but I did not know the details of their story or of Melissa’s death.
As many of you know who have traveled with us on our journey, I tremendously value honesty and transparency in grief and pain. As I write that, then I want you to know that I do understand the many difficulties that people have with sharing their grief or pain openly. Many are concerned of others judging their thoughts or feelings. Some are worried that they will be perceived as having lack of faith. Others are concerned that they will be perceived as weak if they are transparent in sharing their grief and/or pain. After my husband died in a work related accident in August 2011 and then my 18 year old only son was killed instantly in a car accident just 22 months later in June 2013, then I grew a fierce determination to be transparent in my own grief and pain. I made a conscious decision that I was going to share my grief and pain openly. I believed and still do that as others watched our story that if I pretended that this journey was not heartbreaking and faith challenging for me that I would be falsely representing this journey that we have been on. I also believed that I would not be helpful to others traveling similar journeys if I pretended to be fine and that everything was great. I did not believe and still hold the same belief that if I was not transparent and honest that I would not be able to serve or help others on similar journeys. I was so thankful to see as I watched Jeremy’s story in the movie that it was also presented honestly and with transparency.
After the death of his new, young wife Melissa just 3 1/2 months after their wedding, the scenes were heartbreaking as we witness Jeremy’s deep pain. Jeremy’s grief is pouring out as he cries that “I didn’t get to say goodbye.” We witness Jeremy lying on the hospital floor in deep grief after his wife has died. His dad arrived at the hospital, and we witness Jeremy almost passing out when he was asked to sign Melissa’s death certificate. These are real pictures of deep grief. I remember the first night of my son’s death and being alone in my room. I remember being curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing and crying out to God. This did not last for just a few moments. I was awake the entire night in this position crying and calling out to God. This did not just happen one night. This happened many, many times throughout the days, weeks, and months to come. I do not even know how to put those times of grief into words. The pain is so extremely deep. I felt like my heart was literally being pulled out of my chest.
In the movie, there is a moment where Jeremy looked as if he was going to pass out. This is another reality in grief. I absolutely remember feeling like I was going to pass out at different times. I felt many times like I could not breathe due to the deep pain. Many people that I have connected with through these past years whether it was in the death of their child or their spouse have described similar feelings and symptoms. Grief not only affects us emotionally, but it also has the ability to express itself in physical reactions in our bodies.
Another painful scene in the movie was watching Jeremy as he was watching Melissa’s casket being lowered into the ground. Many who have experienced deep grief painfully remember those grief stricken times at the cemetery. I remember not knowing how to physically get up from my chair to walk away. I could not believe that I was having to leave my son there. I remember this with the death of my husband as well. The pain and grief cut so deep.
There was a very significant conversation that Jeremy had with his dad when they were at their home after these events had taken place. Jeremy was going into his room to try to sleep and his dad followed him in. Jeremy shared how he remembered how he prayed and prayed in that very room for his brother Josh to be born healthy. Jeremy then said, “It didn’t happen.” Then Jeremy shared with his dad how he remembered how his dad prayed for so long for his ministry. Jeremy then stated, “Still nothing.” Jeremy then told his dad, “Dad, I begged God to heal Melissa!” I knew where Jeremy was going. He was dealing with what so many in these heart- wrenching circumstances want to grasp and understand… Why? Why was his prayer not answered? Why was his wife not protected from cancer? Why was this death not prevented?
My heart cried out to God over these very things. Not just once. My heart and mind cried these questions so many times. I am not afraid of these questions when others have them. We can find these questions throughout The Bible from others. I think that many wonder these questions when someone young dies or when other types of trauma/tragedy occur. Melissa was just 21. My son was just 18.
I knew these were such difficult, painful statements for Jeremy’s dad to respond to. We are able to see how Jeremy’s dad shared his heart with his son as Jeremy asked him, “What am I supposed to do with this?” Jeremy’s dad came over to him and said, “If you are asking if Josh’s disabilities were disappointing, then I can say ‘Yes they are.'” His dad said, “Did I have big dreams that didn’t come through? Sure I do.” “Do I understand why Melissa isn’t here anymore? No son, I don’t. I’m sorry.” His dad’s honest answers showed his son that he did not understand why his own son was born with disabilities, or why his own dreams did not come true, or why now Melissa had died. This was so gracious of his dad to share with him that he did not understand why these things did or did not happen.
Next, Jeremy’s dad shares this with his son, “But, I know my life is full. I feel rich, and I’m proud of this family.” In this Jeremy’s dad is giving his son hope for his future by sharing some of the blessings that he was still thankful for in spite of painful circumstances. Then Jeremy’s dad shared how he felt about Jeremy marrying Melissa in spite of the cancer that she had been battling. He said, “Honestly at the time I didn’t agree with what you did. I didn’t understand it. You chose willingly to walk into the fire…right beside her all the way until the end.” He then shared with Jeremy the conclusion that he had reached on this by saying, “But then that is exactly what I would do for your mom and you boys That’s what love is! I got to watch my son do that for his wife That was a privilege. I don’t know the answers to all of your questions, but I do know this. My life is not full in spite of the disappointments. It’s full because of them. I am proud of you! I love you Jeremy.”
There was so much wisdom and love demonstrated in this conversation between this father and son. I love that their relationship was one where Jeremy was able to share his deepest hurts and questions. I love that his dad met him in this time with love and understanding. His dad showed much wisdom as he was able to be humble with him and share that there were things that he did not understand as well. People like that are so important for the grieving and the hurting. It is so important when someone is in pain to learn how to be with them and acknowledge their pain and questions. It is so important in these times to be able to just love them with God’s love and to share with them God’s comfort. I shared this whole scene from the movie because it blessed my heart so much. I truly hope that those who are grieving or in pain will be able to have people like that in their lives and times of despair.
Another significant scene that again shares Jeremy’s deep pain and grief is when he is outside running, and it is storming outside. During this time, Jeremy is having flashbacks of Melissa. He remembers how right before she died that she told him that she is healed. He remembers telling her that he wants her to be healed. He is reliving when she died. As these memories are traveling through his mind then he is running faster and faster. We also see him sitting outside in the storm. He looks up to the sky and is asking, “God why did you do this?” Jeremy’s pain is so deep and raw in these times. He goes back into his room after looking in the mirror, and he smashes his guitar. Again, I believe that they showed this scene to demonstrate how deep his pain was.
After Jeremy smashes his guitar, he finds a letter from Melissa that fell out of the smashed guitar. This is what the beautiful note said, “In one story, God grants healing. Miracles do happen. Yet to another, one is called to suffer and to even die. I realized something… they both have value. Each is a chapter in a bigger story. Each is the stroke of a brush on His beautiful canvas. Each is the light of one star helping to form a galaxy.” She then shares that she thinks that she is one of lucky people meant to experience both. She said that she had her miracle which led to the perfect day with him. Melissa continues to write, “Suffering doesn’t destroy faith- it refines it. And God is worth trusting even when we can’t see. I’m safe in His arms, gone bravely into the light with a peace that I can’t understand. So do one thing for me for my sake and for the sake of your gift…When you’re ready, pick up your guitar.”
What beautiful gifts that Melissa left for Jeremy. In addition to the love that she had for him and gave to him, we see in her note how she shows her faith in The Lord even in her darkest moments. We see her encouragement and love for her husband. At the end of this blog, I share the words of Jeremy’s song “I Still Believe.” You may also click on the link and watch the music video that shows scenes from the movie and hear the words to this beautiful song straight from Jeremy’s heart. Jeremy wrote this song after Melissa’s death. After watching their story and then listening to the words of this song, then my heart was encouraged and blessed by all of it. I am so thankful that Jeremy shared his struggles and that he shared his faith and Melissa’s faith. I am thankful for how far God has brought me on my journey so that I can agree with her note and share that I also believe with her that:
Suffering has not destroyed my faith, but it has refined it. God is worth trusting even when we can’t see.
As you listen to these words, then no matter what type of grief or pain that you may be in, it is my prayer that you will be able to believe the lyrics and sing them with us. Even if you feel torn and do not know where to start… even if your questions still fog up your mind… even if you feel so broken… my prayer and hope is that you will be able to believe and sing:
“I still believe in Your faithfulness. I still believe in Your truth. I still believe in Your Holy Word. Even when I don’t see, I still believe.”
May you feel His grace fall like rain upon you and your life. May you be wrapped up in His arms of love. May you know that He is near to the brokenhearted, and that He loves you with an unbelievable love that nothing can separate you from. My girls and I are singing this song on our journey. We thank you for your love and prayers. We pray that each one of you will be able to find the peace that passes understanding as your hearts and minds are in The Lord.
And when you are able to, please see this movie 🙂
#noexcusesnoregrets
#ourjourneycontinues
I Still Believe
Jeremy Camp
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know Your near
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