Each year on the anniversary of PK’s death we attempt new adventures and enjoy God’s beautiful creation as we celebrate the very precious time that we had with him. On the first anniversary of PK’s death we were at home, and I wrote pages and pages as I relived each day leading up to my son’s death. It was quite honestly a miserable time. After that first anniversary of his death, I decided that I was going to do something in nature with the girls on this day instead. We all love nature, and I decided that as we remembered PK on this day that absolutely broke my heart that we would also find beauty and gratitude in our day by exploring God’s creation.
You can read about each year if you would like as they are all shared in this blog with the exception of the first year. 2 Years Later describes the girls and my adventure at Pike’s Peak. 3 Years Later describes the girls and my canoe trip down one of my favorite rivers. 4 Years Later describes the girls and my adventure in Minnesota’s beautiful northern woods. 5 Years Later describes MiKayla’s and my hike to one of the most beautiful crags and a canoe trip. (The fifth year, it was just MiKayla and I as Kylee was in Africa on a mission trip. We were thankful for Kylee’s video call that day.) Six years later, was the first time that I would be spending the day that my son died alone. Both of my girls were on a mission trip to Asia which left me alone in beautiful dogwood canyon hiking seven miles and loving the beautiful waterfalls. Seven years later the girls and I were back together on this day and spent it exploring the smoky mountains.
This year, we decided to not travel too far for several reasons. The first reason is that MiKayla and Benton are getting married July 31st. Here is one of their engagement pictures:
The other reason that we stayed close to home is that Kylee and I got our 2nd round of COVID vaccinations on Friday (the day before June 26th) and were being cautious with our travels just in case we had any symptoms or did not feel well. I am thankful to report that although both of us battled a few symptoms the 2nd round, we both made it through just fine and are thankful that it is over.
Parents who have had children die understand the emotional build up that exists for many leading up to the anniversary of their child’s death. Of course, not all grieving parents experience this as we all grieve differently. As we have previously discussed, there is not a right or wrong way to grieve. For me, I do have an emotional build up leading up to the day of PK’s death. I try to focus on celebrating his life as we near that day that changed my life forever, and I try to share special videos of him or pictures or thank you’s regarding the special people who so lovingly blessed his life. Each year, I do this in the week leading up to the day he died. However, as too many parents so tragically understand, this celebration of my son’s life does not take away from my missing of my son with my whole heart.
On Friday night, the day before the anniversary of PK’s death, I spent some time in reflection at this beautiful river:
This river was just gorgeous as was the sky that night. It was so beautiful to see the steam on the water. The air was hot, but the water was cold. It was a beautiful night, and I was so thankful to have the blessing of enjoying the natural beauty before stepping into the next day.
Saturday morning was our scheduled hiking time. MiKayla chose sugar loaf mountain as our destination. There was a hiking trail to climb up the mountain, and MiKayla explained to me that the difficult part was climbing the steep rocks to get to the top at the end of the trail. Kylee was battling some symptoms, and Benton was needing some rest after his long work week so it just ended up being my baby girl and I for the morning hike.
I was battling some symptoms as well, but I learned after the first anniversary that I must get out and be physically active in God’s beautiful creation on that day. MiKayla began giving me some big smiles when we reached the area where we needed to climb the rocks.
I could tell from her expressions that I was in for a challenge. I was not concerned about the parts where I could clearly see how to step up on and through the rocks; however, when there were sections that looked like this picture below that I was to go through and up then I was very curious what our plan of attack was. I entitled this picture “Step where??” :
I am sure for those of you who are experienced at rock climbing that this looks quite simple to you. However, I have no experience in rock climbing. When I was looking at some of the areas that I was to climb, then I most definitely was unsure of how it was going to happen. Thankfully, I was blessed to have MiKayla with me who lovingly and patiently led the way and was offering to help in any way that she was able to each step of the way.
At one point, I paused to look back to see what we had accomplished in that section, and this was my view:
As I looked back, I was thankful to see the progress that we had made. At that time, I had a brief moment of reflection. How often when we look back on our lives, do we look back with gratitude? Do we look back and thank God for the progress that He has helped us to make? Or do we look back with regrets and wish that we would have done things differently? I am a firm believer in gratitude. I believe that as we look back on our lives that we should thank God for each step of progress that He has helped us to take. I do not want to live my life looking back in regret. I want to live in gratitude for the blessings of the past, in gratitude for each moment that I am currently experiencing, and in gratitude for each blessing that is to come. On this day as I look back over my son’s life, then my heart overflows with gratitude for each moment that I was able to share with him as his mom for 18+ years. My heart aches and longs for my son in ways that are definitely difficult to put into words; however, my heart is overflowing with gratitude for his presence in my life all at the same time.
When MiKayla and I reached the top then I was very thankful for the feeling of accomplishment that comes with meeting a goal that I was earlier unsure of how I was going to achieve. MiKayla and I walked around the top of the mountain and enjoyed the beauty of the view. It was cloudy that morning, but please know how thankful I was for that as it decreased some of the heat that southerners get to experience at this time of year.
When it was time for our descent, then I started to laugh thinking about some of the spots that were more difficult to climb. I knew that I still had some challenges left. The mom pictured below that is seen at the bottom of this section of the picture kept telling her kids “Keep three points of contact.” Each time she said it then I would smile and think well at least we are doing that.
Thankfully the descent went well also. I was so thankful for this time with my baby girl this morning and for our morning hike. As always, that physical challenge mixed together with the beauty of God’s creation did my heart and mind much good. MiKayla and I drove back to Kylee and Benton. I cooked a brunch while they left to explore for a little while. After we were done eating, we did some more exploring in the beautiful area. This time Kylee and Benton joined MiKayla and I.
We went to a different part on the beautiful river.
If you remember from our past journeys, the girls and I love to spend time by the water whether it is a river, lake, or the ocean. Something about being by the water gives us all peace. Thankfully, Benton, MiKayla’s fiancee, loves the water as well. It was a peaceful afternoon, and I was so thankful to have our family together on this day that broke my heart with the addition of my almost son-in-law whom I just adore. 🙂
I continue to seek the peace that passes understanding on my grief journey as I know that I will not be able to understand my son’s young death.
This day was a peaceful, beautiful day. I was once again thankful for the lessons of the day and for how we may apply them to our daily lives. As I reflected on the rock climb, I smiled at all of the times when I was wondering where to place my feet in order to make the next step on this journey of climbing up these huge pieces of rocks. Often times, on this short climb, I was unable to see where to go or where to make the next step. Many times, I felt overwhelmed as I thought my legs were just not capable of stretching quite that far. How many times do we “feel” like that in the course of our own life journeys? I smiled as I am able to list many times where I felt unsure of where my next step was going to be. How thankful I felt as I reflected on a favorite scripture of mine,
“The mind of a person plans his way, But The LORD directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
As we look at our next steps in our life journey then it is my hope and prayer that we will look to God to direct each of our steps. MiKayla was there with me on this journey to lovingly guide me on where would be the best spots to place my feet. She also warned me of areas that looked as if they were good and stable but actually were not. She was there to lend a hand anytime that her mom needed it. What an example she was on this climb of how God so lovingly is with us throughout our life journeys. He lovingly uses His word and His Holy Spirit to show us the way and to also warn us of places that we may think are safe for us to place our feet but actually are not.
How often do we pause in our lives and look at what seems like an impossible journey and become discouraged? Throughout our lives, if we will take our eyes off of the obstacles and instead turn our eyes to Jesus then we are able to have peace and hope in our hearts and minds.
“For David says of Him, I SAW The Lord continually before me, because He is at my right hand, so that I will not be shaken.” Acts 2:25
This verse is originally from Psalm 16:8. Any of you who have heard me speak, have then heard me quote this verse. This verse was one of my favorite verses for many years. I still love this verse, but my perspective has changed through the years as I describe that when my son died that I “felt” shaken to my core. However, regardless of my pain and feelings throughout this grief journey, the truth of this scripture remains. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, then no matter how hurt we may be or how impossible the journey looks in front of us, He will keep us steady.
As the previous verse says, He will direct our steps. Have you ever thought of how many steps you take in a day? Is it not amazing that He will direct our steps? That verse encourages my heart so much as to me it symbolizes how close our heavenly Father is to us. It also demonstrates to my heart His love and care about every part of our lives.
Today if you are looking at your journey and your heart is filled with pain then I pray that you would know deep in your heart and mind that your Heavenly Father is right there with you. If you are looking ahead and feel unsure of where to take your next step then I pray that you would remember that He will direct each of our steps. I pray that if you feel shaken that you will remember to place The Lord continually before you and to know that He will hold and keep you. May each of us fix our eyes on Jesus, and may we know that He loves us with an unconditional love. He is calling us to come to Him.
The words to the song “Hymn of Heaven” by Phil Wickman are listed below. The words of this song are such an encouragement to my heart. I have listed them below along with the link to the song after that in hopes of encouraging your hearts as well.
It is my prayer that you would each know that we love you and are so thankful that you journey with us. May you each be wrapped up in God’s love and feel the gift of His presence as you take each of your steps. Please remember that you are able to reach out to us through email on this site. We would love to hear from you. Thank you for being such a loving encouragement to us through the years and for traveling with us. God’s blessings to you all.
#noexcusesnoregrets
#ourjourneycontinues
Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickman…
How I long to breathe the air of Heaven
Where pain is gone and mercy fills the streets
To look upon the One who bled to save me
And walk with Him for all eternity
Chorus: There will be a day when all will bow before Him
There will be a day when death will be no more
Standing face to face with He who died and rose again
Holy, holy is the Lord
And every prayer we prayed in desperation
The songs of faith we sang through doubt and fear
In the end, we’ll see that it was worth it
When He returns to wipe away our tears
Chorus
And on that day, we join the resurrection
And stand beside the heroes of the faith
With one voice, a thousand generations
Sing, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain”
And on that day, we join the resurrection
And stand beside the heroes of the faith
With one voice, a thousand generations
Sing, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain”
“Forever He shall reign”
So let it be today we shout the hymn of Heaven
With angels and the saints, we raise a mighty roar
Glory to our God who gave us life beyond the grave
Holy, holy is the Lord
So let it be today we shout the hymn of Heaven
With angels and the saints, we raise a mighty roar
Glory to our God who gave us life beyond the grave
Holy, holy is the Lord
Kristi grew up in North Dakota and attended the University of Minnesota at Moorhead where she completed her undergraduate studies in emotional and behavioral disorders. She moved to Arkansas where she later completed her masters in educational administration. Her heart and life have focused for many years on working with hurting kids that have been through much trauma and helping them to realize their potential and to overcome the difficulties that they were experiencing. She was married in 1993, and she and her husband had 3 children: PK who was born in 1995, Kylee was born in 1996, and MiKayla was born in 2000. After the deaths of her husband in 2011 and her son in 2013, her heart reaches out now to comfort those who are walking through the grieving process. She writes and speaks on how to deal with grief and pain whether it is your own or that of others, how to find hope, peace, and healing in the midst of trauma and tragedy, and tries to motivate others to live with no excuses and no regrets.
