PK’s 25th birthday

To my dearest PK on what would be your 25^th birthday…

As I sit at this computer at 4 am, my heart and mind are just flooded with images and thoughts of you my sweet boy. I have been awake for the last 2 ½ hours tossing and turning and missing my boy. You have been gone almost 7 years… I still at times can’t even believe it. Grief and I have spent so much time together since you were killed… I am at a point in my life PK where I do not run from grief. In the beginning of our time apart, I can look back and see where I felt like grief was going to overtake me, consume me, leave me utterly useless… often, I felt like I could not breathe. Now after missing in you in ways that are beyond words and descriptions, I am now used to sitting with grief. It just travels with me, but it has not stopped me. God has helped me and is helping me each step of the way.  I deeply understand that my grief for you is my love for you… that love for you my son will never leave me. I will carry you in my heart and in my thoughts for the rest of my life. That means that grief will be with me too because I miss you with all of my heart. For always my sweetheart. For always.

As I reflect on this day 25 years ago, so many images flood my mind. I remember the joy and anticipation that your dad and I had as we anticipated your arrival. I will never forget when I first saw your beautiful face… your dad and I were overjoyed that you came into our lives, and we began to experience a love that we could not even imagine- a love for our firstborn son. What joy you brought to our lives PK… you were a joy bringer from the first moments that we learned of you.

I remember after we got home from the hospital. I had to have a c section after many, many hours of labor. Dad went to work, and it was just the two of us at home. I remember just laying there and holding you and marveling at everything. I watched you sleep, smirk, open your eyes, and look at me… everything you did was amazing to me. Your dad would call from work and ask what were you doing. He was so incredibly proud of you as well. I remember giggling and having the same answer so often… “sleeping,” “eating,” or “watching me.” We marveled at your every move. You amazed us. You still amaze me my son and will for the rest of my life.

As you grew each day then so did our love for you. PK, I will always treasure every moment with you for the rest of my days. I see you in so many places… so often when I see a little boy at different ages then my mind runs back to when you were that age. I smile at those memories- I love those memories. When I see your wonderful friends at the age that you would be now- then I so often wonder what you would be doing now. That is part of grief as well- the missing, the wondering, the wishing for all that I thought we would share that we are not able to.  Even though the pain of missing you is so great, I would never trade one of those moments with you. The joy and love that you brought into my life is priceless…

As I think back to your birthdays past when you were with me then I remember the joy and excitement that I always felt about celebrating them with you. You loved the celebrations as much as I did. Even the last one that you celebrated with us brings me so much joy as I reflect back on it. You were turning 18. Before your birthday when your sisters and I were eating with you, then you described how you had put cammo on and were going through the house trying to find your presents. You were always so nosey. The girls and I laughed so hard that you put cammo on for this. Not one of us were surprised that you were sneaking around the house trying to find your gifts. It was so like you. You never wanted to miss out on anything… surprises and secrets would just taunt you until you were able to figure them out. Your sisters and I still laugh about this memory.

We had such a fun time with you and your friends in San Antonio for your 18^th birthday celebration. I am so thankful that we had that last trip before you died. I am so thankful that I can picture your smile and all of the joy that you had on that trip. I can still hear you yelling “spurs” as we walked down the street and all of the cars were honking and passing us by. You were a Celtics fan, but you were completely in the moment of the spurs celebration that we were experiencing as we walked the street for Memorial Day Weekend May 2013.  I remember the sparkle and joy in your eyes as we walked down the river walk. I remember the laughter from the water park and our drive. I am thankful for each moment PK… each smile, each laugh, and for all of the joy that you brought me your entire life.

Now on this day, you would have been turning 25. After your death, I had times that I could picture you when I was at a college football game as that is where you wanted to be in your college season- on that football field. But now as you would have been 25, there are so many things that I can’t picture anymore as I just don’t know where you would have ended up… where would you be living? What would your career be? Would you be married? I have watched so many of your friends walk through these milestones through these past years. My heart cries and longs for you to be there experiencing those milestones for yourself… the pain cuts so deep as I wanted to walk through each of those milestones celebrating with you every part of who you are. Oh my son… my love and missing of you is beyond words.

You would not even believe how this year has started. The pain that our nation and world have experienced through the pandemic has brought such loss… such fear… such anxiety. And now horrifically, we watched George Floyd killed by a cop pressing his knee in George’s neck for approximately 8 minutes. Our nation is raging. There is so much brokenness PK. There is so much healing that needs to occur. I have literally been in tears each day… missing you, wishing you were here turning 25, and crying over the hurt and pain that others in our nation and world are experiencing. I know that with your wonderful heart that you would have been very upset with all of the hurt and pain in our world. I remember the pain that you came home with in your eyes after being called the “N” word. I remember sitting and crying with you at our kitchen table after a white family in our community would not let you date their daughter due to your race. I remember PK. I remember the pain in your eyes and in your heart. As your mom, I wanted to protect you from all hurt- I could not. I know that your heart would have been hurting with mine for all of the pain and brokenness that others are currently experiencing right now. I know that you would have wanted each person to be treated with love and respect as my heart longs for this. I know that you would have wanted peace in our nation. Oh how our world needs healing. Please God. Please.

Each day this week, I have been listening to this song PK called “Broken Hallelujah” by Mandisa. It’s words describe well how I so often feel as I miss you and now with all of the pain and brokenness that others are experiencing. (The words are listed below with a link to listen to the beautiful song as well.)

My sweet, sweet boy. You would be so proud of your sisters. They love Jesus so much and are actively trying to be a blessing in the lives of others. I have missed you and dad so much in the moments and milestones in their lives as well. They miss you so much too PK. I have no doubt that you would be beyond proud of your two incredible sisters. I know dad sure would. And I promise you my boy, your mom sure is.

As I go through this day my PK, I will celebrate you. I will do my best to try to carry on your legacy. The tears will continue to flow, but know this my sweet PK, these tears are such a mix. These tears are my grief. These tears are my gratitude. These tears are my pain. These tears are my joy. I am filled with so much of all of it. All at the same time.

I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be….

I choose you every time PK. Every. Single. Time.

All my love my sweetheart, Mom

#noexcusesnoregrets

#ourjourneycontinues

“Broken Hallelujah” by Mandisa

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Kristi Kirk

Kristi grew up in North Dakota and attended the University of Minnesota at Moorhead where she completed her undergraduate studies in emotional and behavioral disorders. She moved to Arkansas where she later completed her masters in educational administration. Her heart and life have focused for many years on working with hurting kids that have been through much trauma and helping them to realize their potential and to overcome the difficulties that they were experiencing. She was married in 1993, and she and her husband had 3 children: PK who was born in 1995, Kylee was born in 1996, and MiKayla was born in 2000. After the deaths of her husband in 2011 and her son in 2013, her heart reaches out now to comfort those who are walking through the grieving process. She writes and speaks on how to deal with grief and pain whether it is your own or that of others, how to find hope, peace, and healing in the midst of trauma and tragedy, and tries to motivate others to live with no excuses and no regrets.

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