Today should be PK’s 23rd birthday. Parents who have had a child die are quite comfortable with this word- should. Nothing is natural or expected about burying my child. Everything in me wishes and longs to still be with him. The loss of a child is heartache beyond words. I blogged before on grief and gratitude. I believe that they can coexist. Today the gratitude and grief that I feel are so overwhelming… I am going to list a few of them, and they are in no particular order…
I am grateful for the blessing of being your mom PK for 18+ years.
I am grateful for each smile that I ever saw on your beautiful face.
I am grateful for each laugh that I ever heard from you.
I am grateful for 18+ years that I got to be with you… every single moment my sweet boy.
I am grateful for each friend you made and had fun with.
I am grateful for the joy that you brought to our family.
I am thankful for the energy that you had and how you loved life.
I am thankful for your drive to succeed and for how you worked to improve yourself.
I am thankful for your time with Haley and how happy she made you.
I am thankful for your love of sports and the joy sports brought you.
I am thankful for each game of yours that I ever got to watch.
I am thankful for each coach that you had and the love that you had for them.
I am thankful for each teammate that you played with and how you loved them.
I am thankful for each birthday that I got to celebrate with you in person.
I am thankful for each adventure that we journeyed on.
I am thankful for each memory that we made.
I am thankful for how much you loved me and our family.
I am thankful for how often you told me that you loved me.
I am thankful for the joy that you brought your sisters.
I am thankful for the joy and pride that you brought to your dad and I.
I am thankful for how you loved kids.
I am thankful that you were a good example to the younger kids in your life.
I am thankful that you loved your life and everyone in it.
I am thankful for each life that you touched and continue to touch.
I am thankful that we are able to give scholarships in your memory and help others.
I am thankful for every single moment that I ever had with you and so much more my sweet PK.
I am beyond thankful that you loved Jesus and gave your heart and life to Him.
I know it is impossible to list all that I am grateful for about you and our time with you PK as the list could go on forever…
I miss every smile and laugh of yours.
I miss your hugs and love.
I miss watching you learn and grow.
I miss having you in our home every day.
I miss hearing your voice.
I miss being able to talk to you.
I miss hearing your stories… even the exaggerations LOL
I miss how nosey you were and how you wanted to know everything.
I miss every part of who you were and of all that you were in our lives.
I wish I would have been able to watch you graduate from high school and that you would have had your senior year.
I wish I would have been able to see which college you chose.
I wish I would have been able to watch you experience college.
I wish I would have been able to see which major you chose.
I wish I would have been able to see you graduate from college.
I wish you would have been here for Jackson’s and Alex’s weddings.
I wish you were still traveling with us.
I wish I could see you walk through our door.
I wish I could kiss your face.
I wish I could hold you.
I wish you were still with us.
I wish that you were a miracle on June 26 2013 and were not instantly killed in that horrendous car wreck.
I wish that you were spending your 23rd birthday with us.
I miss and wish for so many things… this is some of my grief my sweet boy, and I know it is impossible to adequately list it all…
One of my favorite quotes:
“Grief never ends… But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love.” Author Unknown
My heart aches and hurts without you my PK. Today, on what SHOULD be your 23rd birthday, I am filled with grief and gratitude. Yes, they can coexist. I truly celebrate you and each moment that I ever had with you… I miss you with every part of me… I love you with my whole heart my sweet son.
I choose you every time to be my son.