Faces of Grief and Pain

As we look around our world today, we see many faces of grief and pain. Many families and friends are hurting and are in need of comfort and hope.

Steve, a friend of mine and someone who I worked with for many years, died after an intense cancer battle on August 13th. It was just on May 2nd that he shared with me that he had been given 6 months to live after the doctors discovered that his body was filled with cancer. Everything moved so quickly, and after only about 3 months from that initial conversation about his diagnosis, he was gone. And yet, Steve in following conversations shared with me that I better not be praying for him to get better. His words were, “I want to go home. I am ready.” I was not the only one that he shared these words with. At his funeral, the deep pain of loss filled his son’s and granddaughters’ eyes. He will be surely missed. So many faces of grief…

Hunter Midkiff passed away on August 15th after he collapsed at football practice on August 10th and suffered an extreme heat stroke. He later received a new liver but that wasn’t enough. Hunter was just 16 years old when he died. Hunter’s parents, siblings, grandparents, great grandparents, other family members and friends of Hunter will miss him with all of their hearts… their hearts feel broken. So many faces of grief…

Kelsey Joslin who was just 24 years old was found August 10th at her residence. Her husband Jaylane was arrested on suspicion of murder. Kelsey’s family and friends are devastated and are struggling with a multitude of emotions. She will be deeply missed. So many faces of grief…

Sydney Sutherland who had been missing since August 19th was found on August 21st. Sydney, a nurse, had left her home for a jog and was kidnapped, raped, murdered, and buried by a local farmer who has been arrested on suspicion of capital murder. Sydney’s family and friends are horrified and in shock. She will be missed beyond words. So many faces of grief…

My heart absolutely hurts for each of the family and friends who are experiencing these tragedies. There are so many in our world today that are hurting. I pray for their comfort and peace while reflecting on the difficulties and pain that will travel with them as they navigate their way through this painful journey.

Many of you who have been journeying with us already know our story, but I will briefly mention it for our new readers. On August 14, 2011, my husband died from a work related accident leaving me with our three children ages 16, 14, and 11. Just 22 months later, my only son PK at the age of 18 was killed instantly in a car accident. The girls and I have felt much pain and loss through these last years. Thankfully, God has been journeying with us each step of the way. There have been many faces of grief…

Two weeks ago, Kylee, MiKayla, and MiKayla’s boyfriend, Benton, and I were driving home from our road trip vacation that took us through 4 of our country’s beautiful national parks. (I will share that wonderful journey with you in a future blog. 🙂 ) It was Friday, August 14th, and we were driving about 16 hours that day. That day was the 9th anniversary of my husband’s death. Benton has been a joy to have around our family and has been bringing much joy to my baby girl. Benton is a wonderful communicator, is inquisitive, and loves to learn. As a fellow learner myself, I love that he has those qualities. I have shared with Benton that I want him to always have an open forum with our family and to always feel free to ask any questions that he may have about any topic. It has been a priority of mine to have an open communication line with my children throughout their lives, and I have wanted Benton to know that I also want him to have that freedom and openness.

As we were driving home, Benton was asking some questions about my husband and his death. We talked through the details of his accident, his short time in the hospital (just 4 short days), and his death. As we drove and talked, I was watching the faces of my two daughters as the conversation continued. My two beautiful girls’ faces were changing… they were remembering… the pain and grief were evident in their eyes… they were not saying a word, but grief was written all over them. Benton was watching MiKayla closely, and even though he was not verbalizing it, I believe that he was seeing what I was seeing. The girls were feeling the pain of losing their dad. MiKayla was just 11, and Kylee was 14 when their daddy died. They miss him. They miss him in the moments of their lives whether it is getting one of his giant bear hugs or hearing his laughter. They miss him in what they wish he would have been there for as they passed each milestone in their young lives, and they miss him as they think about their future moments that they wish they could share with him. These feelings and thoughts are normal in grief. One of my favorite quotes says:

“Where there is great love, there is great grief…” Author UnKnown

This is what Benton and I were seeing during and after our discussion… we were seeing great love and great grief. We were staring grief right in the face as we had our discussion. It was crucial for me that Benton understand that despite the reactions that we were seeing from my two daughters that this did not discourage him from asking and learning about MiKayla’s dad and brother. Privately, I shared with him that in grief it is really important to be able to talk about the person or in our case the people who are gone. I wanted him to understand that sometimes people avoid talking about them or saying their names because they don’t want to “upset” anyone. However, I told him that grief often works the exact opposite of that.

I wanted Benton to know that the hurt and feelings are still there whether you discuss it or not, and I wanted him to learn to be comfortable around my daughter’s grief when it came out. I wanted him to know that it is good for her to be able to express it. I wanted him to know that he never needed to worry about having the “right” words to say, and that it would be such a blessing if he learned to encourage the grief to be expressed. I wanted him to be encouraged to keep talking and asking about our guys whenever he wanted to and that it was good and healthy for all of us in spite of the varied reactions that he may see.

So many times if someone sees a reaction like that then they feel badly, and they worry that they have “upset” the person or people. Often, they make an internal decision that they will not bring that person or people up again. I wanted Benton to know that it was good to talk about our guys and wanted to encourage him that no matter what faces of grief that he may see when he does that it is still important to talk about our guys. The grief is already there… it is important to understand that concept. It is also important to understand that you did not cause them to be upset… they already were, and it just came out. This is healthier for the griever than holding it in. It is important to be able to be real and open in grieving. The teacher in me was thankful for this teachable moment with my daughter’s boyfriend.

There are many faces of grief that surround us. Many in our country and around the world are dealing with COVID-19 and are grieving due to whatever harm and/or loss that it has caused their family and/or friends. Many are dealing with the pain of racial injustice. Many are battling violence and looting in their cities. Many are dealing with the aftereffects of hurricane Laura that hit Louisiana’s coast as a category 4 hurricane. Many people are hurting and grieving that are in our lives.

One of my sweet friends is missing her husband who would have been turning 70 years old yesterday. Another dear friend is missing her husband as she tries to find her new normal without him. Another sweet friend is longing to hold her two year old son in her arms, but she can’t because cancer took Jameson from her when he was just a toddler. Another one of my dear friends is missing her 10 year old with all of her heart, but her warrior Brenten is no longer here after his battle with a brain tumor. So many faces of grief…

You may be one of these people that are hurting and/or grieving. I just want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers as you walk through this. You may have others that you are close to that are experiencing a great deal of pain. We will be praying for those people as well. Often, when we are at our lowest points or in the most pain that we have experienced, then we may feel that God has abandoned us. We may feel alone in the pain. We may feel broken or fearful or anxious or even all of those feelings at the same time. We may wonder where is God in this?

I have shared before that I have struggled with all of these things in my most broken moments after my son died. I have felt alone. I have felt absolutely broken. I have felt abandoned. In these moments of our deepest pain and when we feel that we are at the end of ourselves, then it is important for us to be reminded that God is still our keeper. He is our helper. Our help comes from Him. He has not abandoned us. We are not alone. A couple of Sundays ago, our church was focused on Psalm 121:

^“38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I continue to pray for the peace that passes understanding in my own hurt and brokenness. I will pray that for you as well. Please remember that the girls and I keep you in our hearts and prayers and are thankful for each one of you who journeys with us. Please remember that you are able to reach out to us on our site. We appreciate each time that we hear from one of you.  Below is listed a link and the words to one of my current favorite songs. May it encourage your heart as it so greatly encourages mine. Sending you so much love, hope, and prayers.

#noexcusesnoregrets

#ourjourneycontinues

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Kristi Kirk

Kristi grew up in North Dakota and attended the University of Minnesota at Moorhead where she completed her undergraduate studies in emotional and behavioral disorders. She moved to Arkansas where she later completed her masters in educational administration. Her heart and life have focused for many years on working with hurting kids that have been through much trauma and helping them to realize their potential and to overcome the difficulties that they were experiencing. She was married in 1993, and she and her husband had 3 children: PK who was born in 1995, Kylee was born in 1996, and MiKayla was born in 2000. After the deaths of her husband in 2011 and her son in 2013, her heart reaches out now to comfort those who are walking through the grieving process. She writes and speaks on how to deal with grief and pain whether it is your own or that of others, how to find hope, peace, and healing in the midst of trauma and tragedy, and tries to motivate others to live with no excuses and no regrets.

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