Dear Kirk,
I truly cannot believe that I am two hours away from the 10th anniversary of the day you died. When I look at all that has happened in the last ten years then in some ways it feels like you have been gone for even longer than that. I still remember the events from 10 years ago so clearly. I remember the day that you had the accident on August 10th. I remember seeing you in the trauma ER in Memphis after they flew you in. I remember sitting with you in absolute shock. After your fall, then you were instantly paralyzed from the chest down. I remember looking into your eyes and seeing so much pain. I remember how much you were hurting. I remember sitting there in disbelief that this strong man that I had been married to for the last 18 years was suddenly laying there and was not able to move your arms or legs or anything below your chest. I remember your questions. I remember our tears. I remember the looks on our childrens’ faces as they briefly saw you being wheeled through in the hall. They were 16, 14, and 11. I remember the fear. I remember it all.
I remember each day from Wednesday, August 10th, 2011 through Sunday, August 14th. I remember the night before your surgery. We were in your ICU trauma room. The doctors had clearly warned us of the risks. We had prayed. Your family was there and praying. That night it was just the two of us in that room with the exception of the nurses coming in and out. I remember sitting in that chair trying to stay awake, and I was so exhausted and worried. I remember how you would watch me, and each time if I would start falling asleep then you would say my name loudly, “Kristi!” You were wide awake and wanted me to remain awake with you as well. I remember each detail. I remember when they wheeled you off for surgery that morning. I had no idea Kirk that was the last time that I would see you alive.
When you died in pre-op Kirk, I was in such a state of shock. I knew what the doctors had said. I never realized that you would be gone that day. That horrible day. I remember sitting in the room with our children when they arrived at the hospital and that I had to tell them that you had died. I remember their faces and the grief and the fear and the tears. I remember walking them up to the room so that they could see you. Telling the kids that their dad had died was the most difficult thing that I had ever been faced with at that point in my life. I was a widow at 41, and now a single mom of a 16, 14, and 11 year old.
The shock lasted for a long time Kirk. The kids and I were in deep grief. I was trying to navigate my grief and theirs. It was a very difficult and painful journey. Right away I was able to clearly see how difficult this would be for all of us. We were all grieving deeply and yet so differently. We were struggling. I was trying as their mom to help them. I was in such a state of disbelief that my husband was gone and that our children did not have their dad with them anymore. It was deep pain Kirk. I still can’t believe all that you have missed.
Then 22 months later, our sweet 18 year old son, our PK, was killed instantly in a car accident. June 26, 2013 was the worst day of my life. That has been the only thing that I was thankful that you missed. I know that it would have broken your heart just as it has broken mine. The girls were then 16 and 13. First, they lost you and now their big brother. I don’t even know the words to describe the condition that I was in at this point. Words have a difficult time accurately painting a picture of that. At that point, I felt as if pain just became a part of who I was. Pain like I had never experienced. The pain felt like it was just going to wipe me out. Thankfully, through the darkest of days and the deepest of pain, God has continued to walk with the girls and I.
Tonight Kirk, I was given a gift. Tonight, both girls and I were home together. MiKayla had come back home while her husband Benton was working in order to take another load of “stuff” to their apartment. Kylee and I had both gotten home from work, and all three of us were in MiKayla’s room. We had a fun time catching up and shared much joy and laughter. At one point I started tearing up, and I started sharing with the girls about my tears from today. MiKayla has a very nurturing way about her so she came and sat by me on the bed and put her arm around me. Kylee came and sat down as well and held my hand and her sister’s hand. We talked about how much you are missed in so many moments.
The girls have each had such big moments throughout these last 10 years that you have been gone: both girls’ high school graduations, Kylee’s college and then master’s graduation ceremonies, MiKayla’s state bb championship, Kylee placing in the division 1 conference finals for her university track team, MiKayla’s wedding, Kylee’s first job… the list continues with countless moments. There have been so many big moments where you have been so missed. But you know Kirk, it is also in the small, quiet moments of their lives. When they just really wanted a hug from their dad or when they wanted you to flash them that big grin and laugh with them. In these last 10 years Kirk, you have been missed in so many moments. Tonight was special because as we are walking into tomorrow and the 10th anniversary of your death, then we were able to have another real conversation about our journeys. It was a blessing tonight to hear the girls share openly of how much they miss you and when their grief for you appears… even in the deepest of pain, we have gratitude and joy.
At MiKayla’s wedding, we had a large picture of you and PK by candles and flowers, and the sign said, “In loving memory of those who are forever in our hearts.” Benton’s grandparents picture was also there, and everyone could see it as they came in. We wanted it to be seen by all who came as we tried to make you a special part of MiKayla’s wedding day. Your picture was in a locket on her bouquet.
I remember several months before the wedding when MiKayla came into the kitchen in tears. She was saying that she could not believe that you and PK were not going to be at her wedding. Oh how it hurt my heart. All I could do is hold her. It is just how grief works. Here comes one of the happiest days of her life and yet within one of her happiest days, then we all knew that day would also contain within it some deep pain- her dad and brother would not be there. It truly hurt all three of our hearts.
MiKayla and Benton took several months to decide if they wanted to have a dance at their reception. Once they decided, then I knew what was coming- what would we do about the father-daughter dance. I prayed and prayed. One day I asked her, “MiKayla, what would you think of having your dad’s brothers line up and take turns dancing with you during that dance?” Her eyes lit up and her beautiful smile was all over her face. This took a very painful moment and filled it with those who love her and are a part of you. This had very special symbolism to us all. Five out of your seven brothers were there, and they did line up and took turns dancing with our baby girl. It was very emotional for her and for all of us. We all longed to have you there with her. We were very thankful for your brothers being there. Tears were pouring down MiKayla’s face as each brother kissed and hugged her. The tears continued off to the side even after the song was over. I have tears now as I write about this moment. (You all can watch a portion of this in the below wedding highlight video.)
Kylee’s grief for you was apparent at the wedding as well. She was holding her sister’s bouquet as her maid of honor with your picture on it. As the maid of honor, she was to give a speech. While she was practicing the speech, each time she would say the part that she wanted to about you and her brother then the tears would come. She decided to move that part until the very end of the speech. When she read her beautiful speech that night then her tears and brokenness arrived right as they had during practice- as soon as she began to share her heart about you and her brother.
I am still emotional Kirk about the beauty and the pain that was so evident at the wedding. I so wish that you could see our girls. They are amazing young women who love Jesus and are so full of joy and life. They are gracious and kind. They are fun and bring joy. Words cannot express how proud I know that you would be of these two amazing daughters of ours. They have endured so much tragedy, and yet they are shining with God’s love and hope and love for others.
The girls and PK will always be the best part of us Kirk. For Always. There is no greater gift that you had given to me then the gift of our three children. That bond is so strong between two people when they have children together and love them together. I also can share that is one of my deepest points of pain in your absence. To have raised our kids alone for these last 10 years and to not be able to share together with all that they are and all that they are growing to be, then that has been one of the most painful points for me with your absence.
As I sat tonight with our two beautiful girls, I was so thankful that even though we were in the midst of deep pain that we were still surrounded with so much love and hope. MiKayla said how grateful she was for the deep bond that the three of us share. We have walked through so much together. Thank God that by His grace that we were able to walk through it together and that our bond and love for one another has only continued to grow and strengthen.
I know that you would be so extremely proud of your mom and brothers and sisters. All 11 of them have continued to surround us in love through the last 10 years. We have all remained close and bonded. I call our relationship with your family our double blessing. They are a blessing to the girls and I as they are our connection to you. The girls are a blessing to all of them as they are their connection to such a special, priceless part of you.
I thank you Kirk for the beautiful children and love that you brought to my life. I am so thankful that the girls and I have the peace and hope of the eternal life that we will all share together someday in The Presence of The King of Kings and The Lord of Lords- Jesus. Even though there has been deep pain and grief these last 10 years, we truly thank God that His loving Presence has always been with us and that we are filled with gratitude for each moment that we did have with you and our son PK.
We will continue to walk our journeys, and we pray that He continues to lead us step by step. We will continue to love and miss you. For Always.
In His amazing love and unending hope,
Kristi
#noexcusesnoregrets
#ourjourneycontinues
Below are three items:
- Link to an approximately 11 min long video highlight of MiKayla and Benton’s wedding made by the gifted Phil Ramsey.
- The words to one of my current favorite songs.
- The youtube video to this song mentioned in number 2 that is one of my current favorites.
“Sufficient For Today”
(feat. Maryanne J. George & Mav City Gospel Choir)
There may be storms
That will move out the way
And trials will come
To only test my faith
What I’ve learned about Your favor
Your mercy and Your grace
Is they go on forever
They’re sufficient for today
When I’m worried about tomorrow
I won’t be overwhelmed
And the burdens that I’ve carried
I will choose to lay them down
‘Cause what I’ve learned about Your favor
Your mercy and Your grace
Is they go on forever
They’re sufficient for today
And hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
They’re sufficient for today
And hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
They’re sufficient for today
In the joy and in the sorrow
I find You just the same
And behind my darkest mornings
There’s a peace I can’t explain
I’m so grateful for Your favor
Your mercy and Your grace
‘Cause they go on forever
They’re sufficient for today
And hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
They’re sufficient for today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
They’re sufficient for today
One day I’ll finally see You
And my faith will be my sign
And all my present suffering
Will be gone and left behind
I’ll be standing in Your favor
Your mercy and Your grace
‘Cause they go on forever
They still go on forever
Oh, they still go on forever
All glory to Your name
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
All glory to Your name
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
All glory to Your name
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
They’re sufficient for today
And hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
They’re sufficient for today
- Happy birthday to my son PK on what would have been his 28th birthday - June 3, 2023
- He Sees - September 12, 2022
- Happy birthday to my PK on what would have been his 27th birthday - June 4, 2022
