Last night, my two beautiful girls and I had a scary experience. Kylee was driving back into our community from college and was driving by Walmart. She was in the right lane, and a truck was in the left lane. The truck did not signal or see Kylee and turned right into her car hitting her in her driver’s side door as he was moving into her lane. Thankfully, Kylee is physically without a scratch. However, this car accident again reminded the girls and I of the tremendous struggles that we have with the fear and anxiety of losing one another.
The trauma that we have endured included my husband dying of complications from an accident in August 2011 after 4 days of suffering in the trauma unit, and PK, my only son, dying instantly in a car accident at the age of 18 in June 2013. Grief comes in many forms and travels with us in multiple ways. Heartbreak, sadness, and devastation are with us on a daily basis, and we know that our lives and our home have been forever changed. This is an overwhelming part of our grief journey. Additionally, we have intense longing to have our loved ones back with us, and we often grieve over what they are missing. With my son’s death, I grieve over every part of my life that is without him, and I also grieve over all that I thought that I still had left to experience with him … All of the milestones that I still thought that I would celebrate with him. Somehow when your child dies, then you are supposed to just let go of all that you still thought was to come. It feels unbearable… like there is no end in sight to the overwhelming pain and loss. Grief brings much heartache to this journey…. So much pain.
With two deaths happening so close together in our immediate family, then the girls and I were dealing with much trauma. Of course, whenever any of us lose someone that we are close to and is important in our lives, then it is traumatic. In the summer of 2014, the girls and I went to trauma based family intensive counseling. I wanted to have someone outside of ourselves sit with us and talk through what was happening with the three of us. I wanted an objective look at our family from an outside perspective. That time together was healthy for the girls and I to be able to try to work through some of the struggles that we were having in dealing with so much trauma in our lives.
One of the therapists took us through an exercise in which we were standing together in a circle. Next, she would remove one of us, and then she would tell the other two to picture what it was like if we had lost the one that she removed. I was outraged with her. I was crying and shaking and said, “How could you do this to us? You know that we have already lost two people in our immediate family, and we are heartbroken.
How could you ask us to picture losing another person in our family?
I just couldn’t bear it. I was crying and shaking and honestly wanted to shake her for what I thought she was putting us through.
I will never ever forget what happened next. She looked at me with tears and with so much compassion in her own eyes. Next, she so wisely stated, “Kristi, this is how you and the girls are living now. You are all living with so much fear and anxiety that you will lose each other too.” I knew at that moment that she was absolutely right.
I was daily battling anxiety. If the phone would ring and one of the girls wasn’t with me, then I was terrified that something had happened to one of my girls. If Kylee was driving somewhere, then I would battle anxiety that she was going to be killed until she reached her destination. The girls were battling it in their own ways by worrying that they would lose one another or me. We had great communication that week on how this fear and anxiety was coming out, and how we wanted to deal with it. We wanted to help each other through it.
Last night when I got Kylee’s call, and my girl was crying and said that she was hit, then that fear and anxiety were screaming inside of me. I felt awful as I had to tell MiKayla what had happened and worry my baby girl. I was shaking for Kylee thinking of how she was feeling after being hit. I was so thankful that she was physically fine. I kept telling myself as MiKayla and I drove to her, she is talking to you. She is ok. It literally took my body hours to calm down and to stop physically shaking.
This morning, as I sit here then I am so thankful that Kylee is physically without a scratch. I am also sitting here looking fear and anxiety in it’s ugly, horrific face. I want you each to know that I don’t have any magic formula for how to cope when fear and anxiety show their ugly heads, but I do want you to know that I am determined not to let them rule my life and to continue to try to find tools that help the girls and I.
It is important for each of us to be able to honestly identify what causes fear and anxiety in our own lives and minds, and then to find ways to battle them with truth. It is important that we are able to be real about our fears and what causes anxiety in each of us. It is equally important that we figure out what tools will help us to battle them when they show their ugly heads.
My two beautiful girls and I are working and praying through ours. It is my hope this morning that whatever causes you fear and anxiety in your own life, that you will be able to identify it, and find tools to help you deal with it. It is my hope that you will instead be filled with peace in your heart. The girls and I are daily working on this.
I thank each of you for your continued love and prayers for the girls and I. We treasure them so much. Join with us today to battle fear and anxiety so that we may each live our lives in peace and are able to truly enjoy each moment that we have. We love and appreciate each of you ???
#noexcusesnoregrets #conquerors #ourjourneycontinues
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